21 it is!

I wanted to mark the day on my blog.

And even though I'm three days late, I still wanted to write this post.

I'm not one of those people who start counting down days a month before their birthday or get really super duper excited.

But this one I was really looking forward to. 21 has a great ring to it and I get to use it for one entire year. I'd planned to do tons of things, some plans worked out and others didn't. I didn't get the dress or the haircut. But I had great two days and I'm trying to stretch and spill the happiness over to this.

So even though Henna might say I'm already half way to 42, I'm really kicked to be 21!!

Of Tax Reports, Five Audits and Six Whole Months

Its been six months.

Six whole months.

I didn't thing I'd survive this long. Half a year seems like a really long time!

I don't think I've made many friends but that's not really something I was looking for any way.


I'd promised myself that I'd give the work my best shot. I figured maybe, just maybe I might like something. Six months and a tax deadline later, I know at least one thing for sure. Tax is way cooler than any audit.I like looking up stuff on my own or figuring what the act really wants to say. There's a certainty to tax that in some weird kind of way is vaguely comforting. I hate asking people around and new audits scare me slightly.I don't know what to do, who to ask, where to go.

Mumma used to constantly tell me that she can't imagine me spending all my days buried in files in front of a computer.But honestly, I don't mind it one bit. I like having my own desk and my own laptop.I like labelling files and sorting out papers.

But it also worries me that I might get too comfortable. And then not have enough guts to get out when I really want to.

Hopefully, by the end of the next 6 months I'll know exactly where I want to be.

Baby Noor

I'm not too fond of lizards but unlike most people I don't think they're creepy and disgusting. I do hate mosquitoes though. Lizards eat mosquitoes. So all my life I've followed the simple logic of a lizard being an enemy's enemy and thus, my friend.

But for a while now I've been noticing these baby lizards all over my house. They're just beyond cute. With tiny hand and feet that look like they're been sketched on the wall, these lizards are just adorable. Watching them run around the house has been so much fun. Many an exam night I have spent looking out for these lizards for some entertainment.

I can't believe people shoo them out of their house or even try to kill them!

Since I have been so in love with these baby lizards, I decided to name them! I can't really differentiate between them so they're all called Noor :)

The last baby Noor was spotted a couple of days ago but I haven't seen her since. I'm waiting for a new one to pop on my walls soon!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Believe it or not, your life does not depend on the Direct Tax Code.
Really.

-Pa

HAPPY FAMILY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROGER!

Why so sad.

How are you feeling now?

I'm ok. No fever now.I just feel all fat.

But you're not fat.

I am.

Why don't you watch something on TV? Watch So you think you can Dance.

Look at them. They're all so thin.

Ok, so maybe this was not such a good idea.

Its just so hot.

Then why don't you switch on the AC?

Because then its just too cold.

Then just increase the temperature.

but it doesn't go above 25.

Are you sure you're ok?

I just feel like crying.

Umm..why? Did someone say something at work?

No. I just get this feeling from time to time.

__________________________________________________________

Are you feeling better today?

I spent the entire afternoon crying.

Why?

It happens sometimes. I'm fat, I haven't studied and I'm not motivated enough.

But you're sick. You can't be motivated.

Still.

_____________________________________________________________

Hello.

Ok woman here's the deal. I know you really like to, but you need to stop wallowing in self pity. Stop wallowing.Stop.

umm..ok.

Have you cried in the last two hours?

No.

Have you eaten anything?

I want to eat Spaghetti.

You know you really make it impossible for anyone to help you.

Of Audit Reports, Excel Sheets and Traffic Jams

I figured it is high time I start documenting my work days :)

It has been one hell of a week. I've just finished my first Internal Audit report. I've gotten up at 4 in the morning to work on a presentation. I've spent 2 entire hours trying to get home from CP. I've learnt a billion Excel short cuts. I'm discovering office politics.I've also counted everything from beer glasses, knives, pillow cases, examination sheets and fans.

Work has been fun. But I'm guessing that's because everything is new. Once the sheen wears off, I'm fearing its going to get slightly boring. Thankfully, I start at a new place on Monday :)

I've been working since May 14,2009. The days are all sort of flying by and I can't really tell one day from the other. That really can't be such a good thing. Hence, the blog post.

Of Greener Grass And Sour Grapes.

Twenty suddenly seems so old.

I've finished college, I have a job and I drive my own car. As a ten year old I wanted nothing more than to grow up and have my own cabin and computer.I'm living the life I hoped I would.

And in that same ten year old brain I had a list of things that I hoped I'd never let go of. I couldn't imagine life without them. As I discussed school gossip with Ratik on Pranav's birthday, I realized how much of that list had already disappeared or was fast vanishing. Now this list is not a profound collection of ideas, values or even people. It was just normal everyday stuff that I thought I'd absolutely die without.

I used to love the summers regardless of how hot it would actually get. Summer meant bhutta and mango every evening. I used to pity people who didn't know what an excellent combination they were missing out on. I've started to hate mangoes and I can't even remember the last time I had bhutta. With the advent of frozen corn, even corn rice is not exclusively summer anymore.

Summer was also when the swimming pool would become my second home. And now three entire summers have gone by and I can count the number of times I've been to on one hand.

I'm a TV addict. Or was till some time back. I had a couple of friends who didn't have one at home and frankly their life just seemed so sad. It sounded insane that people actually lived with little or no TV in their life. I count myself lucky now if I get to watch even one Seinfeld episode a week.

The movie hall-every weekend has been my family's motto till as far back as I can remember. I love everything about the movies. I love the trailers. I love the pop corn. I love talking for hours about the bad ones. The works basically. So when Papa told me about movies releasing that I hadn't heard of, I sort of started freaking out.

There's almost nothing on that list that hasn't disappeared except possibly the phone, the fact that I live with my parents and that I still love to underline.

The "coolness" of this life is suddenly lost one me. I have to start rediscovering it before the discontentment descends.

All I need is another list.

For the lack of cheesy titles

I don't like farewells or good byes. They make me uncomfortable. But they still need to be perfect for me.

I'd rather people leave and then call from wherever as if they never really went away.

I've been dreading this moment for the past couple of months now. That one moment you realise how pretty soon everything constant around you will change. Yes, these three years have flown by but July 16,2006 doesn't really feel like yesterday either.

It has been an eventful three years to say the least :)

Everytime I cried over friends in school, Mumma would tell me of how true friends are always found in college. I rarely believed her. Of course now I think that she couldn't have been more right.

It hasn't been the easiest three years. I didn't make it any easier with the constant bickering and howling. I'd hate it when I was constantly told how everything in the world happens for a reason. I couldn't see a single reason.

Now I see a million !

I'm not sure I'll miss college that much. But I will miss the people. I will miss my van and how there was never a dull moment.

I know that things are going to change and possibly not always for the best. But right now I just want to think about all the fun and happy stuff that made these three years so memorable :)

DANCE FOR DEMOCRACY

I’m a 20 year old Indian citizen eligible to vote. But after 4 failed attempts to get a voter ID card, I’m beginning to wonder why we’re even called a democracy.

One of the first things my parents insisted on after I turned eighteen was to apply for this all essential government document. So this becomes attempt number one. I waited and waited for those verification lists to be released. But nothing happened. No list no name. I figured that it wasn’t that bad a situation. I was sure loads of people apply more than once.

So we come to attempt number two. Again form filled, again no name. By this time I had completely lost interest. My parents still had some hope.

What changed my mind was this campaign by some RWAs to help people get voter-id cards. I made my enquiries and made my way to Rockwood School. So this became attempt 3. This time I was confident that I would FINALLY get the card. But then again I trust the system way too much for my own good.

This brings me to attempt four. Furious and agitated, Mumma and I made our way to the Election office. It wasn’t difficult to find, half of Noida seemed headed in that direction!
There were 2 windows for submitting the forms and a lot of people. Obviously, as Indians we still don’t understand the concept of lines. So basically everybody was on top of each other trying to reach that elusive window. Pushing and shoving people in my way I finally reached the counter only to be greeted by a signboard that said” Submit form, no enquiry allowed” . There were so many people that none of the forms were being checked. I was handed my fourth receipt and told to wait at least a month before I even enquire.

The whole exercise seemed like such a farce. There are no codes or receipts numbers on the acknowledgement I’ve been handed out four times. Even if I want to, I can’t track down the status of my application. I have a feeling that somewhere in some dilapidated government office millions of forms are just rotting away.

Not the poverty nor the unemployment or terrorism, this feudal voter-id issuing system has been the biggest failure of our democracy. I want to vote, I’ve done everything in my power to be eligible to (except bribing someone) but I still can’t exercise my right.

We might be called the biggest democracy in the world, but I’d like to see how many people of this huge population actually had a stress free ride while obtaining their voter-id card.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Powered by: Chakpak.com	Slumdog Millionaire

I've just got back from watching the movie and I knew I *had* to write this one before I fell asleep.

Q & A is one of my favorite books of all time. I still remember how all of us had fallen in love with it as 17 year olds. I couldn't wait for the movie to be made. Of course all the Oscar-Golden Globe buzz just made me even more excited.

I had my doubts when I heard snippets of the story but I promised myself to not think of the book while watching the movie. That obviously did not happen. I kept going back to pages and wondering why they changed so much.

Ok, first things first, it is a good movie. Brilliantly shot and edited. A.R Rahman most certainly deserved that Golden Globe and definitely has his name written on that Oscar statuette. The kids were a great cast as well.

I totally understand why so many people have liked the movie. I'll even understand if it actually does sweep all the Oscars. But as a great fan of the book I was left with a sense of loss and disappointment at the end.

The book is no longer called Q & A and everybody who picks up Slumdog Millionaire from a book shelf will end up reading a story completely different from the movie. It makes me sad that even though the sales of the book will pick up, no one will experience the same joy or amazement at what a marvelous piece of literature it really is.

Or maybe that will always be the problem with screen adaptations. The director cannot film every page written but has to make you feel the same emotions as that of the book. And this is where I think we need to appreciate Mira Nair ( for Namesake) and even Satyajit Ray ( who turned two books into a series of three movies).

There was just so much in that movie that wasn't needed. And I'm not one of those who have a problem with all that poverty being shown. The entire second half of the movie was original. It shouldn't be called an adapted screenplay, inspired is actually the right word.

If the same thing had been made in hindi I'm pretty sure it could have easily been labelled as a typical masala-potboiler. Ironically it gets made in English and sweeps the world of its feet.

The biggest problem I have of course is still the title. Funnily enough the book never even mentions the term.

Ghajini

Powered by: Chakpak.com	Ghajini

I've been waiting to see this one for quite some time and frankly speaking I feel slightly disappointed.

Maybe I should start with what I liked. I liked the music. I loved Asin. I think it was she who was the high point in the movie and not Aamir. I loved the whole Aamir-Asin romance, it was quite nice.

But there was just too much wrong with it.

For starters, the villain was awful. Beyond awful. Plus, he had the worst dialogues ever! Sample this : "Yeh short term memory loss patient mujhe mare ga, mujhe? " or "Dekh short term memory loss, delkh mujhe!".
He wasn't the least bit scary. What they needed was a villain who evoked fear. What we got was a two bit actor and some shady-sidey goons. Technically if the movie is named after the villain then he should at least have some screen presence. I think this was a major shortcoming of the movie.
And the violence. Too gory, too bloody and sickening. I think it is time we officially ban iron rods from hindi movies!

I don't think it was a brilliant performance by Aamir either. I mean all he did as the short term memory loss patient ( no pun intended) was growl, fight and look around.

The director doesn't give the audience time to even feel an ounce of sympathy for his character or the great loss he has suffered. We just shift from happy to violent in a split second. And thus, I didn't really feel a connect with the character at all.

And then there were just too many loopholes. I think the script writers just dug a hole for themselves when they proclaimed that the protagonist could only retain information for 15 minutes. Very conveniently Aamir would remember and not question stuff for long periods of time. And then just as conveniently suddenly look lost. I mean they can't expect the audience to be *that* stupid.

And we also have the Rajnikanth-science defying stunt scenes. Aamir survives a rod being pushed right through his belly, manages to kill the villain and even eventually have a happy and peaceful life. Now that's something.

Would I recommend it. Not really. It is not that great and definitely fell short of my expectations.

On Education

Half Yearly Examination
Class V
Subject : English

Name:__________ Section: _____________ Roll no. _____________

Q.1 Read the following passage and answer the given questions:
There are eight crows in the picture. Seven crows are flying. There are seven ducks in the picture. Five ducks are in the water.

Q.1a How many crows are there in the picture?
Ans______________________________________
________________________________________
_________________________________________

Q.1b How many ducks are in the water?
Ans_______________________________________
__________________________________________
___________________________________________

Q.2 Complete the sentences:

This is an elephant.
Its ears are _____.
Its eyes are _____.

This is a rat.
Its tail is _______.
Its eyes are______.

This is a rabbit.
Its tail is ________.
Its ears are______.

Q.3 Fill in the blanks-
R_d ,
C_pb_ard ,
O_ange

Q.4 True or false?
a. Butterflies do not fly.
b. The frog scares the birds away.
c. Pigeons and parrots are birds.
d. Frogs can crawl.

Q.5 Fill in the blank-

A Gardner _______ of the garden.
A barber _______ hair.
A caprpenter_____ furniture.
A teacher _____ us.
A doctor _____ his patients.

Q.6 Give the meaning of :
Long: ____

Sky: _____

Field: ____

People: _____

Colour: _____
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I volunteered for Teach India in July this year. I though it was a great idea and I could easily spare two hours every Saturday.

And so I started teaching Class V English at the Primary Government School, Chalera Village.
I remember my first day. It took me at least 40 minutes of driving through narrow lanes to finally find the school and a decent place to park.

The school is bigger than the other government schools in the area. There's a ground in the middle and a series of classrooms around it. There are no tables or desks. No fans or lights. Just a bare classroom with a dilapidated black board and some charts on the walls. The children sit on mats which are threadbare. They clean the class room themselves in the morning and I think even contribute to buy the Jhadu as well as the chalk. I don't have the courage to go look at the bathrooms.

And so I began my first class. I didn't really have an option but English because all the other subjects were taught in Hindi and frankly its been years since I've written full page in Hindi.

The children are all very sweet. More so because I refuse to use the cane their teacher promptly handed me when I started teaching. Slowly I discovered how far behind they were in English to any other child possibly in my school in class V. But then again, they don't really speak it outside the classroom. They treat it exactly like I used to treat Sanskrit in school. It is just something you have to get by. They're probably know as much English as some child in class I in a public school.

I am no excellent teacher myself. But I try. The problem is that they don't even understand what Grammar means. So I try different ways to make them understand simple rules. At the same time I've discovered how complicated a language English is!

And it all came down to this paper. But that turned out to be a bigger scam. I was told to tell them all the answers. And that's what I did. So now I know how they have passed all these years.

It is not really the teachers who are at fault. There is one teacher teaching class V six different subjects, that too at a ridiculously low salary.On top of that there are transfers and stupid government duties. How can you expect anyone to be that proficient? I can't expect anybody who'd like to either teach or study in those conditions.

Going there every Saturday is like entering a new world. A world that is completely alien to me. The place is no castle yet everybody is very happy. They don't complain or crib. Maybe because they know nothing better. Some of the children are genuinely very bright and so many of them really want to learn something. I just wonder what happens to them after this class.

And these kids are the future of our country.

This is it :)

They're done.



The papers have been over for a really long time now.

It has taken me more than a month to get over the laziness and get back to writing.

I have more exams in a month but I'm not really thinking about that for now :)

The happiness and relief have sort of faded away by now.

I don't exactly know what this post is supposed to say except that I'm back!

63 days to go

2nd November is 63 days away. * I started writing this post last week*

Exams that seemed millions of years away are finally year. I figured, since they're all that I've been thinking about, I might as well blog about them.

I don't remember the last set of November exams all that well. I wish I did. Maybe it would have taken some of the pressure of, knowing that I've been through it once.

I 've made my schedule. Nothing feels better than to tick a chapter in that little red book ( Sounds slightly Communist?).

My Dad keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. I prefer it that way as well but time really seems to be flying by. And every time I start talking of all those things I want to do after November he gives me this look and tells me to think of only the exams.

There's so much to do!

I didn't imagine it would be this tough. It is tough because there' s no constant evaluation. I have no idea how I'm doing or whether I'm really on the right track.

So this is what I've decided to do. Since I am really going to be at home for the next two months I am going to take out all my exam stress on the blog.

So this blog is going to witness all that I am going to go through as the exams get nearer *shudder*

Where I've been

I haven't touched my blog in three weeks.

There's been a million things I've wanted to write. But I never actually got down to writing them.

A LOT has happened in August.

I fell in love with the Olympics and ended up watching almost every event.

I went to Mussorie and travelled in a train after some 2 years.

I got up my result and have buried the shock somewhere deep inside after shedding copious amounts of customary tears.

I'm this close to start hating college.

I didn't meet a deadline for the first time ever. That advertising project never even got started.

Some friends have found their boys while other have broken up.

I am a grand richer after Rakhi.

I just bought myself a label-maker and I'm already addicted.

I've spent a lot of time in the basement grumbling about how tough this year is!

Half my sentences begin with " After November..."

I WANT

-Grandparents who are not dead.

-More sleep.

-Less classes/projects/assignments.

-Friends who don't crib.

-Friends who'll listen to me be the Crib Queen.

-The Van.

-A clear mind in the mornings.

-Best Friends whose phones are not unreachable.

-Lots and lots of chocolates.

-To shatter a glass vase into bits.

-To see Federer win again.

-To burn something.

-Attend a Birthday Party.

-A tight hug.

-To wail like a baby.

-To have nothing to do.

-To go see a movie.

-Smile.

PANICKING & SORTING

I've always had problems staying optimistic all the time. I do try to look at the positive side of most situations but its really not that easy.

I have periods where nothing according to me is right. I turn into a monster during those moments. I have no clue how my parents bear with all the tantrums and screaming sessions. The fact that they still let me stay with them is testimony to how patient they are :)

Over the years I've tried to find ways and means to try to make these mild panic attacks pass without causing too much emotional damage to people around me.

Last night I discovered yet another effective way!

It was a perfect day. The Lakshmi Nagar trip couldn't have gone better. I found the place, reached on time and the people were all really nice. For some strange reason I had one of my major panic attacks in the evening. There was absolutely no way I was going to start third year in such a foul mood. So I:

• Arranged all my books subject wise.

• Took out all my shoes/sandals and re-arranged them, categorising them into heels and flats.

• Took out everything from the dressing table and cleaned and threw away all the useless stuff, in the process discovering the obscene number of hair bands I possess.

• I found two old pairs of spectacles, both haven't been touched in years.

• I then decided to wash a couple of my suits. OK, it was one suit but for somebody whose always used a washing machine it was a lot.

• I cleaned out the pencil box, sharpened two new pencils and found a couple of pens I could use.

• I found the college bag and tried to fit in as much as I could ( I almost sound like a five year old whose going to school for the first time).

• I looked through my cupboard and decided what to wear.

• I then ironed the clothes.

By the time I finished it was quarter to one and the feeling had passed.

Hopefully, next time a lot less cleaning and sorting will do the job.

Mumma doesn't eat Chinese

So we're sitting at the dinner table when Mumma and I tell Papa about are lunch/parlour plan. He groaned about the high parlor expenses and then:

Papa: Please tell me you're not going to Subway for lunch?

Me: What's wrong with Subway?

Papa: You guys always go there.

Mumma: So?

Papa: Pick a new place, be a little adventurous! Why not Punjabi By Nature?

Me: You want me to pay ninety bucks for a roti.

Mumma: Why would we go without you?

Papa: KFC?

Me: *stares*

Mumma: *glares*

Papa: Fortune Cookie?

Me: Mumma doesn't eat Chinese.

Mumma: Why do you always say that?

At this exact moment I stared at my mother. She hates Chinese or at least that's what I've come to believe over the last couple of years. So I tried to double check. My last memory of us as a family eating Chinese definitely has Mumma complaining about the excessive smell of garlic. We've never gone out for Chinese since then ( discounting that brilliant meal in San Francisco).

Every single time anybody suggested Chinese I shot the idea down. "Mumma doesn't eat Chinese" was repeated countless times.

I haven't once considered that my Mum didn't really hate it as much as I thought/exaggerated.

I can't believe that for so many years she's never told me this. She's been watching me increase the degree of her hatred towards Chinese every single year. Not once did I sincerely ask her whether she'd go eat Chinese. I just assumed away and as a result denied myself some great meals.

But its all out in the open now. Mumma doesn't hate Chinese. So we're going to Lemon Twist tomorrow. YAY!

I am just glad that she finally admitted it.

Lessons from Strategic Management

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
-Will Rogers

Two men were passing through a jungle. They saw a tiger at a distance. One of them immediately started running away. "No use", the other claimed,"We cannot outrun him. We are sure to be killed". The first person replied ,"I need to outrun you, not him".

THE MAKINGS OF A BRILLIANT YEAR

I am not the new year kind of person. In fact, my family hardly ever manages to stay awake till midnighton the 31st. Somehow I tend to view my years according to the academic year. Thus, my new year is approaching!

Third year starts in 2 weeks and I just HAD to write about the brilliant 2007-08 I've had.

The "No Denim" Campaign

I hated wearing jeans in first year. Thus, my first agenda for second year was to stay as far away from denim as possible. I don't know how so many people are ok with walking around in that fabric in the heat. I found that I had enough skirts to last me an entire summer! So, I'm happy to report that the campaign was a success and I plan to re-launch it on July,16.

Saloni Sood for College Vice President

I was quite surprised that she wanted to run in the first place, but I'm proud of the job she's done over the year. Managing a campaign that eventually was a success, was the highlight of the year. The hours spent over making posters, deciding the agenda, trying to stay ahead of the other candidates and getting Saloni's hair to look presentable were all worth it. I also made some great friends along the way.

I will never forget the day of the election. To actually sit there in the control room and count the votes was just scary. But then nothing beats the feeling of knowing that Saloni had actually beaten everyone hollow.

Debating and all that jazz.

JMC discovered Parliamentary Debating. After a year of trying to work out the debating scene, we finally manged to get two respectable teams. We found our own practise place near the Amphi Theatre. We sometimes also manage to get an audience. I also discovered two amazing partners. I don't think JMC-A will ever be the same again without Natasha. I loved everything about this team. How we'd scream at each other and still be ok, how Natasha successfully inserted Economic theories in EVERY debate , how Saloni unsuccessfully tried the same with Psychology, how I screamed my lungs out every single time & how we gelled as a team so well. I can't wait to get back to all of this and more. And yes, we have to find a third.

Play something Country

After years of searching I found my type of music. If it weren't for World Space I'd still be listening to Pop(not that there's anything wrong with that). I love everything about Country Music. I am at that stage right now where I love all kind of Country. I'm still developing favourites. I love the lyrics, I love the sound of the Banjo and I love that Southern twang. I am also still trying to find somebody who ALSO listens to and loves Country Music. Maybe Nashville's the place where my search will end :)

Of Birthday treats and lots of chocolate

I still remember the first day of second year. How 5 of us piled into one auto to have dessert at Big Chill. It was the best day ever. We had 7 different types of dessert at 11 in the morning. That sort of set the tone for the year. We've had some great birthday treats this year. Luckily there was one every month so we always had something to look forward to. We went everywhere from The Nirula's at Chanakya(which has now been shut) to Nathus in Bengali Market, we even experimented with Mexican at Rodeo and braved the smoke to have some great humus at Hooka! All of these treats of course ended with some great meehta :)

Of 9 in a row

January brought all of us back to reality. Nothing can prepare you for nine exams in a row, not even the fact that we had given eight consecutively last year. I think we just became numb after the first 5. Beyond those, the rest suddenly just didn't matter. The fact that it was FREEZING didn't really help us. On top of that I am not the sort of person who can stay awake night after night. By the time I reached the first Saturday I was just flipping pages by twelve. But then it's an experience we'll never forget and all of us did manage to stay alive at the end. Kashika and Kari's long due birthday treat at the end of last papers was godsend :)

Van sisters,night stays & some more bonding

I love my Van. I don't know what I would have done without them. College would be so dull without the constant gossip,teasing and giggles. We've bonded even more this year. First year was all about trying to to get to know each other. By the time we got to second year we were inseparable.

The night stays on Saloni and Susan's birthday were so much fun that I can't wait to have another one. I don't know how and why we became so close. I think it's the fact the originally we weren't really expecting anything of each other. In fact the only thing we had in common was that we're all from Noida and that we all needed transport to college.We accept that none of us is perfect. And yes, we've had our fights but somehow everything works out perfectly in the end. The discovering-each other process has been great fun. Mumma used to always tell me about how I'd find great friends inc college and I know I've found mine.

Six weeks of trauma

If 9 papers in a row weren't enough we ended up having the same 9 papers stretched out to six weeks for the university exams. It wasn't made easier by the fact that there was a 2 week holiday exactly mid way. Again I am not sure how I survived through those but I am just glad they're over. It was hard enough to have Susan and Saloni laugh at us after they finished their papers way before us. It's something that I know is going to happened again next year but I don't think we'll ever be prepared for such kind of trauma. But then again we had a great post exams celebration complete with a triple scoop hot chocolate Fudge :)

AT THIS VERY MOMENT..

11:45 a.m :

I was sitting around in office today waiting for Uncle( the office handy man) to take out a couple of files. I looked at my watch and thought of everybody I know and what they would be doing at that very moment.

Mumma's probably reading a book with a cup of coffee/Iced Tea on the side table.

Papa's glued to the laptop/phone.

Henna's giving her Accounts paper.

Saumya's getting ready for Shantiniketan.

Pooja's probably trying to wake up Eshan for the afternoon exam or convincing him to at least study something ;)

Salo's preparing for an even better day in Poland.

Susie's stuffing herself with even more Non Veg food!

Eashan's giving an Evidence paper.

Ankita's probably working really really hard in office.

Lots of other people are filling the DU common admission form.

Kashika's attending some coaching class.

Kari is in a movie hall.

And Raman's probably on the phone.

Phew! That's a LOT of things to happen at the exact same minute!

PLAY SOMETHING COUNTRY..

I love country music. I am so grateful for worldspace and channel 197. If it wern't for UpCountry I'd probably never find my kind of music.

I've managed to catch a lot of country music over th elast few months an dI've loved every single bit, some more than the others.

Its amazing how there's a song about every emotion complete with the southern twang and banjo.

So here's a list of some of my all time favorites..

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving

Burning fumes of gasoline

And everyone is running

And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me

It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me

In the peaceful quiet you create for me

And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The way you keep the world at bay

-Dixie Chicks

So I'll just keep on singing

'til I hear the whole world singing those songs about me

and who I am

songs about loving and living and good hearted women

and family and God

yeah they're all just songs about me

-Trace Adkins

Remember when old ones died and new were born

And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged

We came together, fell apart

And broke each other's hearts

Remember when

-Alan Jackson


And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not Come along with me

This was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come And gone away

In even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

-Blake Shelton

KAROL BAGH, TAKE 2

I hated it the first time. I swore to never walk the same streets again. Yet, I find myself back in Karol Bagh for the sultry summers.

I think its the work that makes all the difference. This time around I've realised why I wanted to be an accountant in the first place. There's a lot of work and a lot to learn. For the first time, I want to learn more. I finally see a purpose and an end to the tremendous amounts of paper work. The cherry on top is that I just made an entire Balance Sheet on my own :)

I've also learnt so much about professional conduct. I've found out exactly what every accountant should be like.

I don't mind the heat, I don't mind being buried under files the entire day, I don't mind making mistakes and I don't mind the 3 hours of travel every single day.

In fact, I'm loving it!

What Ifs...

I hate to think of what could have been...

Yet, every time I make a mistake I will replay the moment over and over again in my mind, trying to think of better ways of handling the situation.

In school I used to think of answers for interjections till weeks after the debate. After exams I think of better answers or even answers to questions that weren't even asked.

It's almost like I'm consoling myself. Maybe if I had acted in a different way things would have fallen into place, decisions would be made in my favour or I'd get everything I ever wanted.

I think the whole exercise is pointless yet it takes a lot of willpower to not indulge in it anymore. The futility only dawns upon me when Mumma talks the same way. What if she had had let me do law, what if I had changed school, what if I was in a different college..

I think these questions are better left unanswered. In fact there isn't actually any way of finding out and I am happy not knowing

Tagged..

Q. Last movie you saw in a theater ?
A. Darjeeling Limited. Brilliant!

Q. What book are you reading ?
A. Tolstoy's biography and Jeffrey Archer's latest.

Q. Favorite board game ?
A. Scrabble, Business

Q. Favorite magazine ?
A. Reader's Digest

Q. Favorite Smell ?
A. Rain, Rajma, Cake

Q. Favorite Sound ?
A. Mumma's laughter

Q. The worst feeling in the world ?
A. Guilt

Q. The first thing you think of/say when you wake up ?
A. What time is it?/Hi!

Q. Favorite Fast Food place ?
A. Subway

Q. Future child's name ?
A. Noor

Q. 'If I had a lot of money, I would...' Complete this sentence -
A. Buy a house in Austria

Q. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal ?
A. No.

Q. Storm - Cool or Scary ?
A. Cool when you're inside, scary when I'm driving.

Q. Favorite Drink ?
A. Mango Shake

Q. Finish this sentence - 'If I had the time, I would..'
A. Exercise!

Q. Do you eat the stems on Broccoli ?
A. Sometimes.

Q. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice ?
A. Purple

Q. Favorite Sport to watch ?
A. Tennis

Q. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you ?
A. Great Listener

Q. What's under your bed ?
A. A Painting we bought from San Francisco and an anchor stitch kit

Q. Would you like to be born as yourself again ?
A. Absolutely.

Q. Morning person or Night Owl ?
A. Morning person forever

Q. Over Easy or Sunny side up ?
A. Sunny side up.

Q. Favorite place to relax ?
A. Mumma's room.

Q. Favorite Pie/Mithai ?
A. Apple Pie/Besan Ladoo, Gujia

Q. Favorite Ice Cream flavor ?
A. Chocolate

FROM HERE TO THERE

I was cleaning the study table today when I found this poem. I had first read it when I was in the ninth and fell in love with it instantly. Its been my source of my inspiration for so long.

Its hard to get from here to there

If you never get out of bed

You lie a lot to fool your friends

But you fool yourself instead.

Its harder to get from here to there

If you set your goals too high

Then nothing ever works out right

Too soon you no longer try.

But the hardest way from here to there is when

All you ever do is to count up the years &

miles to go

Then you're through before you're through

So how do you get from here to there

Well, first you must believe you can

Let no one tell you differently

Its your life & its in your hands.

Then turn your dreams into your goals

And see what you need now

To satisfy the requirements

The why, the where & now.

At first you're overwelhmed of course

There's so much you don't know

But keep your faith be strong & sure

For you do have a way to go.

Take careful steps & take them right

Take pride in each thing done

Don't look to far ahead of yourself

Just that next step to come.

Before you know it you'll be there

Your dream will then be real

And you'll be standing where I am now

Telling others how good it feels.

You'll tell them not to quit

Have faith, though its hard to bear

So, they will know it can be done

They, too, can get from here to there.

MY FAVOURITE TREE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

Driving through a rain swept Delhi, I realised how over the years I've fallen in love with the Golden Shower.

I remember Mumma teaching me the name of the tree. We used to live in 28 then and the lanes used to be lined with Golden Shower trees. I used to love just staring at them for hours at an end. It's amazing how in full bloom there there isn't a single leaf on the tree!

The rain brought all of this back today. Every roundabout had a bunch of wet Golden Showers. The roads were lined with yellow flowers.

The whole ride back seemed surreal to me. Maybe its the lack of sleep....

How wrong we were about these people..

It's amazing how a 20 minute conversation brings so many things into perspective. Thanks Pooja :)

I've spent 14 years in school in 4 different sections. A majority of those years I've managed to stay with the same group of people, studied with them, screamed at them, shed tears and shared grunts ( go saumya!).

I've also managed to hold on to grudges for ( as Pooja was very kind to remind me) 8 freaking years! Its come to the point where none of us even remember what the original fight was about.
Yet, I don't speak to them even though the number of mutual friends increase day by day.

Yes, all of us have changed. We're not 12 anymore. I think it's finally time to let go.. to finally grow up *shudder*

Maybe this IS the passage of right we all need to go through before we turn 20.
So here's to new beginnings!

WHAT EXAMS DO TO ME..

I hug her but she doesn't seem to hug back.

I stare at the Act and my brain doesn't seem to react.

I switch on the TV and my head hurts.

ME= Confused and bloated :(

I am thinking of..

How the exams have a tendency to bring my blog to a standstill.

How 3.30 am is a excellent time to study.

How I 've watched Legally Blonde II thrice in the last two weeks. All for the love of DC!

The Brilliance that is Pyaasa.

How sour and bitter is an excellent combination.

Jhumpa Lahiri and her nex book :)

Eight things I'm passionate about:
Tennis
Country Music
Autobiographies
Clothes
Movies
Debating
Accounts/Tax
Schedules


Eight things I want to do before I die:
Work at the UN
Stay in Washington DC
Work full time for an NGO
Attend all Grand Slam finals and an NBA final in the same year
Raise a girl
Be part of a REALLY big family
Own a swimming pool
Attend weddings of all my best friends from school and college

Eight things I say often:
Theek hai
Essentially
Hanji
What what what?
No!
Yay!
Pretty
There's a seinfeld episode...


Eight books I've read recently:
Grace & Power
No Onions nor Garlic
Swimming Lessons & Other Short Stories
Charlie Wilson's war
Forever & Always
Aparajito
Rumi's Daughter
Whispers in the Mountains


Eight songs I could listen to forever and ever:
Travelling Soldier- Dixie Chicks
Austin- Blake Shelton
My Best Friend- Tim McGraw/Don Williams
Blue- Leanne Rimes
Stay- Sugarland
Whiskey Lullaby- Brad Paisly
Letter to me- Brad Paisly
I'd Lie- Taylor Swift


Eight things that attract me to my best friends:
Best hugs ever!
The ability to leave certain things unsaid
That sometimes its ok to cry/be cranky for no apparent reason
We love our mothers but still cant understand them
Nobody understands what the "boy" is thinking/feeling
That its ok to sometimes crave some action
That ALL our lives would be much simpler as Soap Operas
To not be ashamed after crying/shouting session

ANOTHER FAREWELL....

It seems to be the season of farewells for me. This one is for Natasha, my favourite Debating senior ever!!

I've been wanting to write this blog post to save for posterity the brilliant times we had and how much I will miss Natasha next year :(

It's so strange that it took us only two debates to get to know each other so well. It's even weirder that there will be no Natasha from next year.... I will never find her sitting under the tree outside the basement, never see her with another fat book on the second floor corridors and never hear her sarcastic remarks about the opposing teams..

So here's to you Natasha. DPM/DLOP. crazy. the best girlfriend.fellow moto user. one third of JMC A. fellow RLA/kinshuk basher. best hair. economics freak. theory of comparative advantage/learning curve. mushy love songs. non veg freak. Dwarka resident. warm hugs. Big Chill-Valentine's Day.amazing saris. fake nose studs. international economic policy at Warwick. relentless underlining.half plate Bhelpuri lover.lovely earrings. rebuttals/constructive. POI revenge taker.AFSPA/"My Father's in the Army"retort. Ayn Rand/Shantaram. purple push up secrets. paranthas & achhar. practise in 3rd?. Amphitheatre. kickass conventional debater. thrashing. Venky.almost KMC.IIT.clear.close. relationship guide. .ccd. tantra. sleeveless. deep necks ;).ardent NHRC supporter.pretty in pink. pretty in everything."this house will fall without you/will never find a replacement". wider smiles and even more tears.

A Fond Farewell

I will never forget the first time my eyes faltered, it was one of those annual trips to the clinic in school. I will also never forget how much mumma and I cried, she had lost out to the genes :)

Since that day in class 4 I've had my specs with me through thick and thin. I've been through 6 different frames , dozen odd pair of lenses, a billion eye tests.... And now that I can finally see unaided I realise how much they meant to me.

They were a part of my identity. Now if I meet someone new they would never know that I wore specs for 10 years. I am not part of that community any more!

I still search for my glasses in the morning, squint to see the watch when I get up, poke at the mose to push the glasses up..but they're not there anymore..

I cant believe I was so emotionally attached to those two pieces of glass. But I still pray that everything remains ok and that my eyes heal properly. As much as I miss the glasses I dont want them back really soon..

Of friends and some more..

Do friendships have an expiry date? Can you ever stop being friends with some one you've known forever? Or can you ever stop and stay at being "just friends"?

I've learnt a lot from friends, especially over the last few years. So many of these people I dont talk to anymore. There haven't been any fights or betrayals just silent withdrawls.

Should I be feeling a sense of obligation towards them? Should I be making an effort or should I just say a mental thank you and move on. Staying forcibly in these relations that have once been can ruin all the beautiful memories I plan to cherish.

I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry tries to end his friendship with Joel. He was only friends with him beacause of the ping pong table :)

Can you actually break up with friends?

Books..

I cant believe I haven't made this list as yet. I fear its almost going to be the same as yours Pooja!

A Book that made you laugh:

No Onions nor Garlic by Srividya Natarajan. A mere mention of this book puts a smile on my face. Imagine college boys dressed up as fairies! The added bonus being the Tam Brahms who like me are onion haters!!

A Book that made you cry :

The first book I ever cried on was Heidi. I have a tendency to get very emotional while reading. So there are plenty of books whose pages I have ruined because of my tears.

Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. The last few pages always bring tears to my eyes when Gogol discovers the inscription his dad had made so many years ago.

A Fine Balance / Tales From FirozshaBagh by Rohinton Mistry:

Mistry's book always make me very emotional. Its hard not to cry because he writes such real stories. When M commits suicide in a Fine Balance I couldn't control myself. His characters are not heroes , they are normal people who cave into desires and are not always right.

A Book that scared you :

Wild Swans/ Mao: An Unknown Story by Jung Chang. It just showed how men can go to any extreme to get and retain power. To read the about the predicament of those millions of Chinese really freaked me out. Mao's ideas to me are just really scary. Someone like that actually existed is still hard for me to believe.

A Book that disgusted you :

Probably Pet Cemetery by Stephen King. People dying and returning back as zombies just didn't go down to well with me. I had nightmares for three consecutive nights after I finished the book.

A Book you loved in elementary school:

Till class V it was the amazing Ladybird series with the Town Mouse & Country Mouse, The Princess and the Pea, Heidi etc.

A book you loved in Middle School:

The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck was my favorite from 6th to 8th. The writing is simple and yet the story was so powerful. It was one of the first books my mother passed on to me from her huge collection and it is one that I will treasure forever.

A Book you loved in High School:

Not Without My Daughter- Betty Mahmoody
A Fine Balance- Rohinton Mistry
Aparajito- Bhibhutibhushan Bhandopadya
Through the Corridors of Power- PC Alexander

A Book you loved in college:

A Thousand Splendid Suns: Khalid Hosseini
Half of a Yellow Sun

A Book that challenged your identity:

Half of a Yellow Sun
I Dare- Kiran Bedi
Little Women

A Series that you love:

Malory Towers- Enid Blyton
Harry Potter

Your favorite Horror Book:

None

Your favorite Science Fiction:

A Journey to the Centre of the Earth- Jules Verne

Your favorite (Auto)Biography:

A Long Walk to Freedom- Nelson Mandela
Mao: An Unknown Story
Not Without My Bike: Lance Armstrong

Your favorite " Coming of Age Book"

Pather Panchali
The KiteRunner
Thorn Birds

Your favorite Classic:

Gone With the Wind
Anna Karenina

Your favorite Romance Book:

Thorn Birds

And the award goes to..

Being the movie buff that I am, I've still just managed only one movie review the entire of last year. To make up and pay tribute to all the brilliant movies made last year I decided to fill out the Filmfare nomination form. I've grumbled too much about bad and partial judging so I have decided to take matters into my own hand.


The form allows only one nomination and I've realised how tough it it to pick just one person considering how many of these people were so good! I'd rather they let us pick like three nominees in each category and rank them.


But anyways, here goes:


1. BEST FILM:

Ok so this is really tough! Mumma and I discussed this one to no end. What exactly are we supposed to be judging on. Entertainment value? Overall message? Acting? Novelty?

We ended up with Guru, Chak De or Taare Zameen Par.

And then we thought and thought...

And eventually gave it to Taare Zameen Par. I think the shere brilliance of the idea will make it one of the most loved movies of the year. From the acting to the camera work it was all PERFECT! There aren't words for what the film can make anyone feel. It is the cliched underdog story but told with such difference that it can tug at any one's heart. I haven't cried this hard in a movie for a very long time.



2. BEST DIRECTOR:

The problem I think with nominations is that we tend to forget the films that were released earlier during the year. Thankfully the form had an entire list of films which just made the job easier.


I would have almost written Aamir Khan for Tarre Zameen Par but then I saw Parzania on the list as well.


Thus, I chose Rahul Dholakia for Best Director. I doubt a lot of people are going to vote for this one but I think he truly deserves it. There have been a billion movies on riots and related violence some of them have been really really good as well.

To use the same subject and make a movie like that deserves a HUGE round of applause. The simple style of direction makes the characters very easy to relate to. To extract such heart wrenching performances from children is an art that both Rahul ( or even Aamir) have mastered.


Its a story that needed to be told in just the right way. There's even more responsibility on the director's shoulder because these are real events that he is talking of. Rahul manages to create the right balance between fact and fiction. This balance is very important o achieve or else the movie can become one of the million documentaries on the Gujrat riots. A slight bit of over dramatization of events could have killed it.



3. BEST ACTOR:



Abhishek Bachchan for Guru.

It was almost a coming of age movie for him. All the great performances before this one were supporting roles. It was a great chance to show the powerhouse of an actor that he can be.


What swung it in his favor was probably the fact that the character demanded a range of emotions. It was a journey of over 50 years and the change in emotions had to be gradual but also noticeable.


I think this had been his best performance till date!



4. BEST ACTRESS:



Sarika for Parzania.


There are no words befitting this performance. Emotional but not over the top. Gut wrenching and yet slightly understated. It was a role that many would have done by just shedding copious amount of tears. But she makes you look beyond just the tears which I believe deserves a LOT of recognition.



5. BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:



Aamir Khan for Taare Zameen Par.

I've always felt that when judging the award the main thing to be kept in mind is that the actor in question should not steel the limelight. For example in Omkara Saif stole the show so much so that it became his movie and not Ajay Devgan's on the other hand Pankaj Kapur in Maqbool played a pivotal role but stole nothing away from Irfan Khan's brilliance.



The latter is what Aamir was also successful in doing. He deserves it even more cause he could have easily over shadowed the kid. This performance shows his great understanding of the script. The script demanded a supporting role and that he did to perfection.

6. BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Konkana Sen Sharma for Aaja Nachle/ Laaga Chunari Mein Daag/Life in a Metro:

I cant seem to choose the film because she was great in all three. She's funny and emotional and her acting is straight from the heart. Its been her year and I cant wait to see what she does in 2008.

She's one of those actresses that seem to fit into every mould so effortlessly. No matter how bad or good the movie might be she never manages to disappoint me.

GOD BLESS HER SOUL

One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone.

- Garth Brooks

Does she have the right to?

I heard Sn's story about a year back. Almost the same time that Udit had passed away. It was the same ailment and thus, I prayed for her. I prayed that she survived through all the chemo, through all the pain, through all the loss.

I will never forget Udit's cremation. It's absolutely heart wrenching too see grandparents standing next to their grand son's funeral pyre. Those images are buried deep inside me and every time I think of that day I cant help but weep. Sometimes it all seems so unreal. It was just yesterday when we'd discussed aishwarya rai at deepali mami's place or talked about what a pain the boards were. And now he's no more but a fading memory...
I know his parents will never recover , that they have learnt to live but the sadness in their eyes will never ebb.

When su told me about sn, I understood how she felt,what it is to see a friend suffer. It's been more than a year and su told me yesterday that the chemo wasn't working and that sne didn't want to continue the treatment. She's 19 years old and she's made a decision to accept death, if that's whats suppose to come her way. She' s 19 years old and I cant even begin to comprehend how she finally made up her mind. Is it all the pain? Is it seeing her friends and family suffer with her?

I've advocated Euthanasia for a very long time. But now as I see sne make the most important decision of her life an inherent sense of dread fill me up from inside. She's too young to give up, I thought. She needs to fight..she needs to have faith..I've been trying to convince myself even though I know its inevitable.

It cant be easy. I don't know how she's going to tell her parents. Will they let her go ahead..

And so I pray for a miracle. I pray that all the scans turn out right..and that sne never has to even think of ending it all.

Know me a little..

List five things that you want to say to people but never will. Don't say who they are.

1. I'll never be perfect.

2. Can you stop pretending that everything is fine.

3. Why don't you admits its your mistake?

4. It's so obvious, why cant you see it?

5. I'm glad you're no longer a shadow.

Five things I’d love to do before I die.

1. Go watch all the Grand Slam finals

2. Bungee Jump

3. Adopt a child

4. Learn an instrument

5. Take a mule ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

Five things I will not do even if it kills me.

1. Eat a raw onion

2. Drive over 80

3. Lie to a friend

4. Run an election

5. Live too far away from my parents.

Five things I do when I'm away from public

1. Sing

2. Make funny faces in the mirror

3. Talk to myself

4. Imagine the future and enact it

5. Check every one's profile on every possible social networking site.

Five things I'll make you wish you didn't do if you did

1. Order something with too many onions

2. Insult Federer

3. Betrayal

4. Hypocrisy

5. Being too critical of everything

The Disaster that was Diwali

Q & A

Q. What is your middle name?
A. Sethi

Q. How big is your bed?
A. Queen size, I think.

Q.What are you listening to right now?
A. Country

Q. What was the last thing you ate?
A. Pranthe for breakfast, a glass of milk and 5 badams.

Q. Last person you hugged?
A. Mumma

Q. How is the weather right now?
A. Slightly chilly

Q. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
A. Nilotpal

Q. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
A. Diction/Height

Q. Favorite type of Food?
A. Chinese/Kashmiri

Q. Do you want children?
A. Yes

Q. Have you ever cried over a love lost?
A. Yes

Q. Last Movie you watched?
A. Saawariya

Q. Do you have any piercings?
A. Ears and nose

Q. Favorite Movie?
A. Too many

Q. What were you doing before filling this out?
A. Changing the bed sheets

Q. Have you ever loved someone?
A. Yes

Q. Who would you like to see right now?
A. Daddy

Q. What color are your bedroom walls?
A. Green

Q. Have you ever fired a gun?
A. No

Q. Do you like to travel by plane?
A. Yes

Q. Right-handed or Left-handed?
A. Right-handed

Q. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
A. Washington DC

Q. Are you missing someone?
A. Not particularly

Q. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
A. Sometimes

Q. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
A. A picture of the cabbies on Akriti's B'day

Q. Favorite hangout ?
A. College basement and the van

Q. 3 things you can't live without?
A. Mumma-Papa, books and the phone

Q. Favorite songs?
A. Recently discovered range of country music

Q. What are you afraid of?
A. Never finding true love

Q. Are you a giver or a taker?
A. A bit of both

Q. What are your nicknames?
A. Chubby, Ghazu, Gili

Q. What do you sleep in?
A. A range of colour coordinated nightsuits

Q. Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing?
A. Books

Q. First thing you'll save in a fire?
A. nothing

Q. What is your favorite color?
A. purple

Q. What are the things you always bring with you?
A. Cellphone, money, car keys

Q. What did you want to be when you were a kid?
A. A Vet

Q. What do you usually do when the alarm turns on?
A. Switch it off and wake up two hours later

Q. What do you think about before you go to bed?
A. The day and a mental thank you to god.

Looking back

If you had to do it all over again, what would you change?

Mumma asked me this day before and it really got me thinking..

What would i change in the past (almost ) 19 years?

My first reaction to her was that I would have a thought a little bit more about my career. Maybe really introspect on what it was that I really wanted to do?

I would have picked up running as a hobby. There's something about the wind in my face that takes me to this calm,peaceful place.

And I would have eaten onions. I think this I'd still like to do. I just need to get over the repugnant smell and taste...

And that's it.Three things. That's all I could think of.

Then why is it that I 'm never satisfied. It's a good life and yet I am far from being an optimist...

SOLACE...

I've been thinking about this one for a very long time. Our lives are not perfect and they cant be. There will always be problems and we will have to muster the strength to face them.

But even if we are losing the battle or cant find the strength there is always something we can find solace in. Something that will always bring us comfort. Now this source of solace is what seems to bother me cause I cant find mine...

Can anything bring you that kind of comfort? Can it be food/work/friends/......

I am looking for something/one to fall back on. Something/one that will pull me back up. Something/one that's always there.

Or is it a stupid idea to depend on this something/one so much? Will over dependence just ruin my own capacity to handle situations?

Or am I just suppose to find solace in myself...

BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG IS A TROUBLESOME GREY AREA

Highs and Lows

Low: Small time chain snatcher practically killed by a mob as the police watched on.

High: 24 yr old Abha karate chops two men eve teasing her.

Low: 6 day old baby snatched by Panchayat as the parents belonged to the same clan.

High: DMRC enters the carbon credit market

Low: A teacher in Delhi forcing her students into prostitution.

High/Low: The left opposition and how the government still survives.

I 've always been very patriotic. I love my country but the pathetic conditions around just make me sick to the stomach.

So many campaigns begin and try to make a difference and yet we reach back to square one. What is it that makes us Indians such a stubborn race, why do we fail to see the change that is beckoning us.

I can list our achievements too but the thing is that one look at our society and all the development can be thrown out of the window.

Why is it that our country is still so dirty, that foetuses are still murdered and that red lights still don't work...

As cliched as it may sound I want to make a difference, to make India a better place. Maybe it is the small things that we should start with...

But will it ever work or will I just become one of those cynical adults who complain and do nothing about anything...

The Scale

The scale is what defines Librans and weighing down choices is what describes my life these days.



What is it about making choices that scares me?

Is it just me or are choices generally difficult to make?

Will I spend most of my life regretting what could have been? But choosing not to remember and feel guilty would also mean making a choice.

Why do we have to make choices? Why cant the world be straight and simple. Everybody would already know what to do, it would save so much more time.

I have a tendency to feel regret for the longest time ever and making decisions never comes naturally to me. Its making life more and more difficult cause how long can u survive without making essential decisions that define you, who you want to be? What your purpose is?

Does all of this stem from the fact that I cant stand to be wrong? Will all my wrong decisions come to haunt me?

Pessimism is attacking my brain again..