GOD BLESS HER SOUL

One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone.

- Garth Brooks

Does she have the right to?

I heard Sn's story about a year back. Almost the same time that Udit had passed away. It was the same ailment and thus, I prayed for her. I prayed that she survived through all the chemo, through all the pain, through all the loss.

I will never forget Udit's cremation. It's absolutely heart wrenching too see grandparents standing next to their grand son's funeral pyre. Those images are buried deep inside me and every time I think of that day I cant help but weep. Sometimes it all seems so unreal. It was just yesterday when we'd discussed aishwarya rai at deepali mami's place or talked about what a pain the boards were. And now he's no more but a fading memory...
I know his parents will never recover , that they have learnt to live but the sadness in their eyes will never ebb.

When su told me about sn, I understood how she felt,what it is to see a friend suffer. It's been more than a year and su told me yesterday that the chemo wasn't working and that sne didn't want to continue the treatment. She's 19 years old and she's made a decision to accept death, if that's whats suppose to come her way. She' s 19 years old and I cant even begin to comprehend how she finally made up her mind. Is it all the pain? Is it seeing her friends and family suffer with her?

I've advocated Euthanasia for a very long time. But now as I see sne make the most important decision of her life an inherent sense of dread fill me up from inside. She's too young to give up, I thought. She needs to fight..she needs to have faith..I've been trying to convince myself even though I know its inevitable.

It cant be easy. I don't know how she's going to tell her parents. Will they let her go ahead..

And so I pray for a miracle. I pray that all the scans turn out right..and that sne never has to even think of ending it all.

Know me a little..

List five things that you want to say to people but never will. Don't say who they are.

1. I'll never be perfect.

2. Can you stop pretending that everything is fine.

3. Why don't you admits its your mistake?

4. It's so obvious, why cant you see it?

5. I'm glad you're no longer a shadow.

Five things I’d love to do before I die.

1. Go watch all the Grand Slam finals

2. Bungee Jump

3. Adopt a child

4. Learn an instrument

5. Take a mule ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

Five things I will not do even if it kills me.

1. Eat a raw onion

2. Drive over 80

3. Lie to a friend

4. Run an election

5. Live too far away from my parents.

Five things I do when I'm away from public

1. Sing

2. Make funny faces in the mirror

3. Talk to myself

4. Imagine the future and enact it

5. Check every one's profile on every possible social networking site.

Five things I'll make you wish you didn't do if you did

1. Order something with too many onions

2. Insult Federer

3. Betrayal

4. Hypocrisy

5. Being too critical of everything

The Disaster that was Diwali

Q & A

Q. What is your middle name?
A. Sethi

Q. How big is your bed?
A. Queen size, I think.

Q.What are you listening to right now?
A. Country

Q. What was the last thing you ate?
A. Pranthe for breakfast, a glass of milk and 5 badams.

Q. Last person you hugged?
A. Mumma

Q. How is the weather right now?
A. Slightly chilly

Q. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
A. Nilotpal

Q. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
A. Diction/Height

Q. Favorite type of Food?
A. Chinese/Kashmiri

Q. Do you want children?
A. Yes

Q. Have you ever cried over a love lost?
A. Yes

Q. Last Movie you watched?
A. Saawariya

Q. Do you have any piercings?
A. Ears and nose

Q. Favorite Movie?
A. Too many

Q. What were you doing before filling this out?
A. Changing the bed sheets

Q. Have you ever loved someone?
A. Yes

Q. Who would you like to see right now?
A. Daddy

Q. What color are your bedroom walls?
A. Green

Q. Have you ever fired a gun?
A. No

Q. Do you like to travel by plane?
A. Yes

Q. Right-handed or Left-handed?
A. Right-handed

Q. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
A. Washington DC

Q. Are you missing someone?
A. Not particularly

Q. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
A. Sometimes

Q. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
A. A picture of the cabbies on Akriti's B'day

Q. Favorite hangout ?
A. College basement and the van

Q. 3 things you can't live without?
A. Mumma-Papa, books and the phone

Q. Favorite songs?
A. Recently discovered range of country music

Q. What are you afraid of?
A. Never finding true love

Q. Are you a giver or a taker?
A. A bit of both

Q. What are your nicknames?
A. Chubby, Ghazu, Gili

Q. What do you sleep in?
A. A range of colour coordinated nightsuits

Q. Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing?
A. Books

Q. First thing you'll save in a fire?
A. nothing

Q. What is your favorite color?
A. purple

Q. What are the things you always bring with you?
A. Cellphone, money, car keys

Q. What did you want to be when you were a kid?
A. A Vet

Q. What do you usually do when the alarm turns on?
A. Switch it off and wake up two hours later

Q. What do you think about before you go to bed?
A. The day and a mental thank you to god.

Looking back

If you had to do it all over again, what would you change?

Mumma asked me this day before and it really got me thinking..

What would i change in the past (almost ) 19 years?

My first reaction to her was that I would have a thought a little bit more about my career. Maybe really introspect on what it was that I really wanted to do?

I would have picked up running as a hobby. There's something about the wind in my face that takes me to this calm,peaceful place.

And I would have eaten onions. I think this I'd still like to do. I just need to get over the repugnant smell and taste...

And that's it.Three things. That's all I could think of.

Then why is it that I 'm never satisfied. It's a good life and yet I am far from being an optimist...

SOLACE...

I've been thinking about this one for a very long time. Our lives are not perfect and they cant be. There will always be problems and we will have to muster the strength to face them.

But even if we are losing the battle or cant find the strength there is always something we can find solace in. Something that will always bring us comfort. Now this source of solace is what seems to bother me cause I cant find mine...

Can anything bring you that kind of comfort? Can it be food/work/friends/......

I am looking for something/one to fall back on. Something/one that will pull me back up. Something/one that's always there.

Or is it a stupid idea to depend on this something/one so much? Will over dependence just ruin my own capacity to handle situations?

Or am I just suppose to find solace in myself...

BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG IS A TROUBLESOME GREY AREA

Highs and Lows

Low: Small time chain snatcher practically killed by a mob as the police watched on.

High: 24 yr old Abha karate chops two men eve teasing her.

Low: 6 day old baby snatched by Panchayat as the parents belonged to the same clan.

High: DMRC enters the carbon credit market

Low: A teacher in Delhi forcing her students into prostitution.

High/Low: The left opposition and how the government still survives.

I 've always been very patriotic. I love my country but the pathetic conditions around just make me sick to the stomach.

So many campaigns begin and try to make a difference and yet we reach back to square one. What is it that makes us Indians such a stubborn race, why do we fail to see the change that is beckoning us.

I can list our achievements too but the thing is that one look at our society and all the development can be thrown out of the window.

Why is it that our country is still so dirty, that foetuses are still murdered and that red lights still don't work...

As cliched as it may sound I want to make a difference, to make India a better place. Maybe it is the small things that we should start with...

But will it ever work or will I just become one of those cynical adults who complain and do nothing about anything...

The Scale

The scale is what defines Librans and weighing down choices is what describes my life these days.



What is it about making choices that scares me?

Is it just me or are choices generally difficult to make?

Will I spend most of my life regretting what could have been? But choosing not to remember and feel guilty would also mean making a choice.

Why do we have to make choices? Why cant the world be straight and simple. Everybody would already know what to do, it would save so much more time.

I have a tendency to feel regret for the longest time ever and making decisions never comes naturally to me. Its making life more and more difficult cause how long can u survive without making essential decisions that define you, who you want to be? What your purpose is?

Does all of this stem from the fact that I cant stand to be wrong? Will all my wrong decisions come to haunt me?

Pessimism is attacking my brain again..

Of Happy Times and some more..

It hasnt been a very happy week for me. I've spent my time moping around at home, acting irritable and stubborn all the time.

Nothing seems to cheer me up so I've decided to take matters in my own hand this time. I'm just going to think of all the happy and fun times that i remember and put them up here. So everytime i feel down and out I ll just read the post and hopefully feel much better.

So here goes...

I love the rainy season. I could spend hours just looking at how everything outside seems so fresh. I love going out right after it stops raining. My favorite thing to do is to stand under a tree and shake its branches until I get totally drenched and it almost feels like its raining again.

Thinking of my favorite books cheers me up. I still wish we could all be part of one long Enid Blyton novel and live happily ever after. I remember how all my friends and me wanted to go to Malory Towers and have one of those midnight feasts.
And how much we loved Gone With The Wind. If only Rhett wouldnt leave Scarlett....
Just to pen any of these books and reread my favorite passages over and over again can make my day...

Thinking of school makes me very happy. I can distinctly remember my first day and how I was one of the few who wernt in uniform. How we would play Four Squares under the Jamun trees and it would end being twenty squares.
It was in school that I learnt how to swim. The excitement of swimming without holding onto the rope and the fact that I was now part of a team.
My first debate and how i could feel my legs shaking on stage.
The whole Truth an Dare period in class seven and how we'd beg to get free periods to play the game.
The time we spent on the swings "wee-ing" away.

I love thinking about all the holidays I've been on. The week long holiday in Dalhousie where we'd walk all day long. All the long weekends spent in Jaipur with lots of shopping thrown in. The first time I sat in an aeroplane and felt my ears getting blocked or the very scary roller coaster in Malaysia will always bring a smile to my face.

And then I think of college and of the wonderful friends I've made. Of all the times we 've laughed for hours on stupid jokes and the enjoyed all the junk food in the canteen.
I love to think about all the places we've already been to and all the haggling with the autos..

THe list is longer but I'll probably survive on all this atleast for another week.

Q&A

Q. Do you like your name and know its origin?
A. I love my name and its actually persian origin

Q. If given a choice sex or food???
A.Unless it's Chinese/home cooked I ' ll probably choose the former.

Q. Do you love your siblings/cousins??
A. No not yet

Q. Do youu believe in angels?
A. Yes

Q. Whats the one thing that brings a twinkle to your eye??
A. My parents laughter, memories of school days, seeing a close friend's name on the cell.

Q. When was the last time, you did something meaningful for someone else?
A. Yesterday

Q. What are you listening to right now??
A. Worldspace

Q. Will you go to heaven or hell???
A. Heaven!

Q. Favourite time of the day?
A. 7 - 8 pm

Of First Year I will Always Remember...

Tears

DTC-392/323

Aaloo Chaat

Dilli Haat

Saket

Basement

Van

Freshers

Khan Market!

NSS

Library

Kareena Market

Lost cellphones and wallets

Chocolate

India Gate

Sunny winter morings

Its Been A While

Its been such a long time since the last post or as Pooja would put it, " the blog's been dead for a while".

A 3 week long vacation along with bouts of laziness has led me to almost give up one of my favourite activities!


But I ll get back to writing soon enough!

You know it's over when your best friend cant recognize your voice anymore.

I need...

a) A friend who doesn't have exams when I do

b) A friend who doesnt live an STD phone call away

c) A friend who sees a movie every weekend

d) A friend who thinks driving is a pain and not a relaxant

e) A friend who loves Seinfeld

f) A friend who worships Federer ( or atleast hates Nadal)

g) A friend who thinks swimming will be incomplete without Thorpe

h) A friend who enjoys Sarcasm

i) me??

It is too much to ask for, isnt it?

Lead Kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which IHave loved long since, and lost awhile!
Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod,Lead, Savior, l
ead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life.

- Cardinal Newman

And the book came alive....

I love to read and " The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri is one of my all time favorites.

So, naturally i was exteremely excited about seeing this beautiful book translated onto screen and for the Ganguli's world to come alive.

It turned out to be a fabulous movie!

The author must be really proud of Mira Nair because she was able to retain the essence of the book. It must be a very tough task to turn a book into a movie. Every word is important and then to choose and show the right scenes, establish links and also try to touch the hearts of the audience.

What i loved even more about the movie was the use of Bengali. I have seen endless movies where the gujrati or the begali just talk in english making there characters a tade bit artificial. The use of Bengali made the film very real and easy to relate to.

I recently read a blog entry about how it is the little lies that hurt celebreties and not the huge controversies. A similar analogy can be drawn here.
For an avid fan of the book it is the lack of attention to the smaller details of the book that pinch slightly.

It did disturb me that Ashima Ganguli ( played by Tabu) didnt wear a Parrot green sari when she meets Ashok for the first time( It's purple in the movie) or that Ashok Ganguli's shoes are black and white and not brown as in the book.

That Gogol decides to go to Yale first and then makes a decision about being an architect ( it obviously was vice versa in the book) was just weird.

What I didnt like most was the character of Moushmi and the omission of most of Gogol's part in the book. For me it was as much Gogol's story as it was Ashima's ....

What is strange is when people claim that the movie was better than the book!

If you ask me a movie can never be better than the book. All those who think otherwise are just pretending to have read the book...

The following is the quote the book starts with. I would have loved it if they had used it in the film too.

"The reader should realize himself that it could not have happened otherwise,
and that to give him any other name was quite out of the question. "

- Nikoloi Gogol, "The Overcoat"

I am Thinking of....

a) Section 2(1)(zc) of The Information Technology Act,2000

b) How good "Namesake" the movie is going to be

c) The song Paint it Black and how it describes my mood

d) Who will win American Idol this year

e) What's mum cooking for dinner

f) How badly I am going to flunk the Computer Practical

g) How i would love to meet Gandhi

h) The freaky weather

i) Driving a car

The Departed

A dreary thursday morning,
A fantastic report card
A Board exam
Mere oblivion
A phone call from hell
and then the wait
A pit in the stomach
A teary eye
Three shattered kids
A destroyed home
The horrible journey
A whirlpool of memories
of days gone by,
of happiness that was once ours
The haunting dreams
of lonely days
The scary future
The uncertainity
Yet
There will be another morning
a hint of a smile
Till then we mourn
The departed

YOU CAN ONLY WAKE UP SOMEONE WHO IS SLEEPING,

NOT ONE WHO IS PRETENDING TO!

I SPEND MY TIME LOOKING FORWARD TO THE PAST

VISA POWER, DONT "GO GET IT"

This post is with reference to excruciating process of getting a visa to travel to the US of A
We have planned a trip for this summer and decided to start the application procedure early enough.

What is surprising is the amount of paperwork that is needed along with the application.Some of the details are just ridiculously funny and to top it all the application states " Please note that a visa in no way ensures that you will be granted entry into the country. The officer at the Immigration Counter will decide at your time of entry whether you should be allowed to travel or not"

So technically you can land up and be told to go back!

After getting copies of evrything from tax returns to appointment letters to property ownerships deeds, we finally landed up at the American Embassy in Chanakyapuri.

Your forms are first screened while you are standing in the line outside the embassy. Then one has to go to another counter for "questioning". In our case the man behind the screen decided that I no longer look like the photograph I have submitted. After convincing him we proceed to enter the embassy(FINALLY!).

Then, you have to submit your fingerprints. If for some strange reason one of your index numbers is injured you cant give the interview.

The irony here is that the lady at this counter actually liked my application photo.

After all of this you have to stand in this huge serpentine line to get interviewed. The couples with kid are given priority but not the really old couples. It was really sad to see all these aged people stand for hours to get a visa.

While standing in the line you can look around to find posters of "America's Most Wanted Terrorists" and "Top Ten Fugitives" and also a plasma T.V that shows you the major attractions of the country( "its going to be worth it")

Now, the people at the embassy can be divided easily into four categories:

a) Innocent tourists like us who just want to go and see the country

b) Newly wed brides desperate to join their husbands

c) IIT/IIM pass outs going as tourists in search of lucrative deals

d) Old uncles and aunties who are going either for weddings or to meet their children

Give Indians a que and the comaradrie will develop on its own. As the hours pass by the conversation flows.

Our appointment was at 11:15 a.m but our chance came at quarter to three(phew!)

It lasted for exaclty fve minutes at the end of which we were told to enjoy the trip.But there were also people who were intimidated and were crying at the end of their interviews.

Our passports have now arrived (with the visa stamp) but I hope i never have to do this again, I'd rather go to another country!

A WEEKEND NOT TO REMEMBER

Normally the thought of the weekend bring huge amount of solace to my mind but this last weekend has been nothing short of a disaster .

FRIDAY:

Out of the three days this was the best! Even though it was a holiday (courtesy mass bunk from college) I had to get up at 7(courtesy my mum's school bus).

It wasnt much of a day. I practically did NOTHING the entire day.

SATURDAY:

Started of as a nice ,bright ,sunny morning. I had a great lunch (oredered in from Subway).

I am a HUGE movie buff( movie ever weekend is included in my staple diet). Thus, my parents and I decide to go and see " The Departed"(Dont ask me why I havent seen it as yet!) at the Pacific Mall, Kaushambi.

As a result I had to give up my afternoon nap(also on my staple diet) to go and see the movie. We reach there well in time for the show.

I still havent seen the movie because apparently the newspapers had the schedule wrong!

The movie hall is having an Oscar festival and they show one nominated movie a day and Departed was on Friday(Damn!)

Cresstfallen my parents decide to explore the mall. Apart from being movie freaks we are also shopping addicts.

And the journey begins from one store to another till we decide that we have exercised enough to reward ourselves with some food. This brings us to this massive food court in the mall.

After dinner the shopping expedition begins and finally ends when all the stores start to display their"closed" signs.

With great satisfaction we returned home to find out that one of our shopping packets/treasures was missing!

I still havent figured out where that packet went.

SUNDAY

Mum & Dad decide to finally see Blood Diamond and after confirming the show land up at Wave for the 11 a.m show.

God wasnt on our side as the projector refuses to work leaving my parents crestfallen yet again.

Thus, they are offered seats for "Flags of oour Father" and a refund. Even though my dad is a huge Clint Eastwood fan, you really cant enjoy a movie if you miss the beginning.

The prospect of a wedding reception at IIC brightened our evening and all of us got ready to enjoy the free food!

We're half way to the venue when my Dad realises that he had left the wedding gift on the stairs outside our flat ( at which point i am thinkingg of my Blog post titile)

And, the groom was thus given only flowers.

But as a consolation the food turned out to be quite good.

THE PAST IS THE PROLOGUE

HURT..I'M Ok

Ha ha! fooled you this post is NOT about what I am feeling right now.

This one is for all Christina Aguilera fans. The post's title is made up from the names of two of her songs.

Now a lot of artisits write about their traumatic childhood experiences, what i havent seen is a change in opinion.
But if you notice the lyrics of the two songs that follow, there has been a drastic change of opinion!

She goes from blaming her father for all the pain and then ends up saying sorry for treating him that way.

HURT ( this is from the new album "Back to Basics")

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been awayOoh, it's dangerousIt's so out of line
To try and turn back time

Now the next song is I'm Ok ( this is from the previous album "Stripped")


Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK


I wonder what brought about the drastic change .

I LOST SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT!!!!

As my first year in college slowly draws to an end( only two more months to go), I have realised that i have lost something very important....

I have always had people in my life who didnt like me or couldnt stand me and I really didnt care about them

Then i came to college....

For the first time in my life everybody seemed to like me ( probably because they havent been exposed to my mean temper). The feeling gave me such a high. I was the favoured one in all my friend circles.

But i reacted very differently to this situation. Throughout school life i was very forthright about what i felt was correct and what wasnt. In college when you are liked by all it becomes very difficult to actually disagree with anyone. I mean the thought of getting my point across to somebody would mean hours of pondering.

It was as if i just couldnt be firm anymore . I would feel that one disagreement and nobody would like me anymore, my real side would be exposed.

Now i have realised the importance of having your opinion. I dont want to lose it. What i just need to learn is to calmly get my point across..after all they are my friends...